The Art of Overcoming the 2am Overthinking Spiral Over Embarrassing Memories

Picture this: it’s the end of the day. You’ve wrapped up your nightly doom-scroll session, and your bed is the most comfortable it’s ever been. The pillows are perfectly cold, and the room temperature is just right. You’re all set to fall asleep in five minutes or less. But, just as your mind starts to wind down, it decides to remind you of the time you tripped and dropped all your books in the hallway… right in front of a crowd of students rushing to class. You cringe. And then, just as that memory starts to fade, your brain pulls up another one: the time you enthusiastically waved at someone who was really waving at the person behind you. Suddenly, you’re stuck in a late-night loop of every embarrassing, humiliating moment you’ve ever lived through. And just like that, the concept of sleep feels next to impossible for you now.

You may be wondering, Why does this happen? Why do these kinds of memories always seem to resurface just when you’re about to turn in for the night? The answer lies in something called the negativity bias, our brain’s tendency to pay more attention to negative experiences than positive or neutral ones. To sum it up, our brains tend to hold onto bad memories more tightly than good ones.

Here’s how it works: during quiet moments, like when you’re lying in bed, the “background noise” part of your brain, called the default mode network, becomes active. That’s when old social memories, especially emotionally charged ones, come up. The embarrassing ones are stored with extra emphasis because of the amygdala, the part of your brain that labels certain moments as “important.” And then, your prefrontal cortex steps in, trying to analyze what went wrong, even if the moment happened years ago. This process goes back to how our brains evolved.

In prehistoric times, being attuned to threats like predators or dangerous weather conditions was crucial for survival, and individuals who were more aware of negative possibilities were more likely to avoid harm and pass this trait on genetically. In the past, it was a useful survival skill; now it mostly just keeps us up at night over things no one else remembers.

What can you remind yourself of instead? Here’s what’s important to keep in mind: your brain isn’t trying to hurt you. It’s just trying (arguably a bit too hard) to protect you. One embarrassing moment that keeps replaying? It thinks it’s saving you from ever doing it again. It’s a form of protection, even if it feels like self-sabotage. But those moments that haunt you? They’re probably long forgotten by everyone else. People aren’t keeping a detailed list of every embarrassing interaction you’ve had, as they are too focused on their own. No one who truly cares about you is judging you based on the last awkward thing you did. And, even if someone did notice, chances are they moved on quickly.

We’re all a little embarrassed sometimes, as it’s part of being human. So, the next time your brain launches its daily recap of seemingly every embarrassing moment that has happened in your lifetime, pause and take a breath. Remind yourself that the moment has passed. You’ve already grown from it. And more importantly, it doesn’t define you, and it never will. :)